Looking Good for us or for them?

Last night I attended a lively, great function to support my childrens school. It is our annual fundraiser and this year's theme was a Casino Night. This seemed like the perfect segue to introduce my next blog. It was an engaging evening with the Casino Night theme, people were dressed casual and some were really dressed to the hilt, with sparkles, glitter and glamour. Someone even asked me where my next blog was, which lit the fire under me to get this out. I was a little hesitant about publishing this one since it didn't seem substantial enough. However, this person reminded me that there is going to be interesting ones, and not so interesting ones; but, nevertheless, i should continue. It is good to have people push you along at things.

A few months back I got into a conversation with a male friend of mine about attire and dressing up to go out, either with our spouses or with our friends. I am not sure how the topic of conversation came up but it did, and I was really intrigued by where the conversation went because I had never really thought about dressing up for my women friends. Surprisingly to me, my counterpart in debate thought that women dressed up for other women! Imagine that, we get all dolled up for the sake of showing off for our girlfriends! Apparently we do not consciously realize that in doing this, we are trying to be competitive. Look at me, i got a new pair of Seven jeans, or look at me with my new Coach or Prada bag, or look at me, I just purchased this really cool pair of Versace sunglasses, you get the picture, right? By purchasing and wearing these items out with our girlfriends, it makes us feel superior, competitive, or better in some way?

Needless to say, I was really taken back at that because I had never engaged myself in this way of thinking. Apparently some people out there in the world believe that we as women dress up to impress our friends, show off, and create conversation with our other female cohorts. Additionally, this alternative perspective was that we as women are competitive and that is why we dress up. Are we really competitive when it comes to clothing and wanting to look good? I live in an area where there are a plethora of people that look good but yet I don't ever feel like I am wanting to look good because I want to be better or superior than my friends? I want to look good because it makes me feel good.

As I thought more about this, I thought about it more and observed myself, and why I dress up when I go out with my friends and or my husband. For me and after discussing this with some other friends, it really boils down to looking good for myself because I want to look good for me. I feel confident when I put my best foot forward and enjoy feeling that way about myself as I am sure most women do that ascribe to wanting to look good for themselves.

On the other hand, when my husband and I go out on a date night or go out to a social gathering like last evening at our quasi cocktail and dinner casino event, I like to look good for him. It makes him feel good that he has a wife who takes pride in herself. I am not saying I need to put on a dress and some heels to go to the t-ball field, but I like to be put together. Am I doing this for my potential competitive cohorts out there in the universe of femaleness? Well, I am proud to say NO!!! I am doing it first and foremost for me! Secondly, if I am with the husband, I enjoy looking good for him. If my female counterparts are complimenting of me, well great, that is a bonus, but I don't think women dress up to get praise from their female friends. Additionally, I am so comfortable complimenting a woman if she looks put together and attractive because I am not threatened that she looks better than me or I am trying to out do her. I think a confident woman doesn't care what female friends think about them, because they are comfortable enough in their own skin and style of who they are as a person.

After thirteen plus years of marriage, sure it would be easy to throw in the towel and let myself go and just assume that because I am married now "who cares", he loves me no matter what! After all when he married me, I hooked him. Now the honeymoon is over, the real me is here baby, take it or leave it! Doesn't he have to accept me as I am and love everything about me? Wasn't that what he signed up for when we took our vows at the alter and said "I do"? For better or worse, richer or poorer, pretty or ugly, don't these things all apply when we agree to marry someone? You accept them unconditionally?

Well, I am not so sure about that concept. If my husband decided to let his teeth go, stopped wanting to look handsome for me, and stop wanting to take care of himself, I am not sure i would be so accepting of that. Yet, I have met many people who are married that think just because your married it is a license to let yourself go, intellectually, physically, and respectfully with your partner. Respectfully defined as being the concept of "I am married to you. I can say and do anything i want, because I am your spouse and you have to love me." Yes, I just said it and probably have sounded really critical in saying that, however, I think what keeps us interested in our partners is how we look as well as how we present ourselves to them. Could this be one of the elements of sustainable "romantic love"? I mentioned in my last blog about sustaining "romantic love", and I think having a certain amount of respect for yourself and loving yourself apart from your marriage could be one of those elements.

Let's face it, most people did not become attracted in those early love stages because of brains. Most of the time whether we want to believe it or not, we are attracted to people based on how they present themselves physically to us. Yes, folks it is looks that what gets the interest of our partner in the beginning. Of course we eventually become attracted because of intelligence, personality and ambition or certain common goals, but a majority of the studies indicate looks during the first month of courtship are what count. A recent Newsweek poll posted the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that social psychologists discovered that looks are what attracts individuals to each other initially, followed by personality and then earnings potential. Physical attractiveness inspired the most desire. We know this is true across many tribes and cultures as well. The most physically attractive person gets the mate.

So if it is true that we make ourselves attractive in the beginning of a relationship to capture or hook our mate why wouldn't we maintain this habit in sustaining our "romantic love" in the marriage? I think most people given a choice would rather look good than not, for ourselves and our partners. To me it makes sense that looking good equates to feeling good about ourselves. This in turn translates into our partners feeling good about themselves because we feel confident about ourselves. We are showing our partners that we still care enough to want to be attractive, sexy, desirable etc.. It seems like a win win situation to me.

So when my friend debating me claimed that women dressed for their other women friends, my feeling was and still is that this is a narrow minded perspective. There are many other components involved in looking or wanting to look and feel good about ourselves. The laws of attraction historically and most modern studies indicate to us, it is still all about looking good for our mates. I am not stating this is the sole overriding element to sustaining "romantic love" in a relationship but it could be a part of it. There are sometimes things we need to tell our partners in a marriage or relationship that might feel uncomfortable and sound shallow but I think that helps us be better partners for each other in the long run.

While I still don't know what the answer is to sustaining "romantic love" in a relationship, it is something that I think about when I see that older couple sitting on bench drinking coffee gently holding hands or the elderly couple i know who have been together for years and still have a lot to say to each other and still laugh and smile at each other. Perhaps, being attractive over the years to your spouse is part of the secret that keeps our significant others romantically interested in us. Just a question and something to think about.